Post natal depression is something that I never thought I would ever go through. All my life I’ve wanted to be a mum. The day I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon. I had a very easy pregnancy except the last month when I had pre-eclampsia.
I blamed myself for my baby being in NICU. I blamed myself for being too sick to get out of bed to see her. It was so difficult to see her hooked up to machines and not be able to hold her.
April was meant to be a month of celebration for the Maganlals because both my husband and I have birthdays in April. Our wedding anniversary is also on April. I couldn’t bring myself to celebrate anything while my bubs was still in hospital.
I got very sick after the birth of my baby. I was in and out of hospital, hardly eating, in pain due to the c-section, never brushed my hair for days, basically I couldn’t get out of bed most days amd going to visit my little one in hospital became very difficult.
I cut everyone out of my life, I stopped using social media and only really spoke to my husband. Anything anything everything made me cry.
When my baby came home I thought that I would finally start bonding with her. I found it difficult, I felt like a bad mum because when she was in hospital I hardly got a chance to feed her or hold her. It got so bad that my husband had to take time of work to look after the baby because I just couldn’t do it. I felt like she didn’t know me and didn’t like me. He fed her, burped her and changed her everyday around the clock.
Eventually I started doing things like feeding her and changing her and he left me alone with her a few times. I realized that she needed me and I needed to be there for this little being who was totally dependent on me.
It took loads of time, support from my husband, mother, father and sisters. It does get better mammas. I was one of the lucky ones that didn’t need any counselling or medication.
I’m so grateful for this experience as it made me the mum I am today. It’s not easy being a mum and that’s the ugly truth.